About Guilt

A short while ago, I attended a lecture given by a psychologist. The title was Aging Well, and I found it most interesting. He covered many subjects, but spent quite a bit of time on guilt.

              Guilt is a demanding cohort that suffocates, and if it is not managed it can erupt into fear, he told the audience. What I found especially fascinating was that the subject was included in a lecture to an older crowd.

             The lecturer said that if a sense of culpability settles in the psyche it can lead to problems when people look over their lives when they reach a certain age. He added that everyone does examine his or her life at some point or other, but he wonders if it’s a good thing if it results in guilt.

             Guilt is the result of offenses we may have committed or of things we feel we should have done. When we feel guilty for disparaging someone close to us yesterday or last week, a phone call or an e-mail can quickly repair any damage.  But, he said, when we feel guilty about something that took place years ago, even decades ago, there isn’t much we can do to repair any damage we may have caused. Feeling guilty about it can only be a royal waste of energy.

            The speaker said that those who were raised in an environment where perfection was always expected can be especially vulnerable to feelings of guilt that, often, remain for a lifetime. He added that seeking perfection in all things is a trait that is not easily tamed. But, he insisted, we should all try if we want to age well. The secret is to forgive ourselves and look to the future instead of the past.

            Wise advice as far as I am concerned. I think too many people look to the past when there is so much ahead.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

We’re all familiar with the words of that song so popular a few years back. Lots of wisdom in it, if we can learn to not worry that is!

          My mother-in-law used to say: “Don’t fret. It gets you nowhere.” She was right of course. Worry is indeed a waste of time and a waste of energy which makes us spin our wheels for nothing. It becomes very sad when it’s something chronic done out of habit. Easier said than done when you have a family, I say.

          Some of us are like Peanuts’ Charlie Brown who said: “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me.” I know exactly what he meant!

          But what exactly is worry? We worry when we focus on disturbing thoughts about problems that could happen or about something we attempt to avoid. Dale Carnegie’s comments on the subject are well known. Who hasn’t heard of his book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living? One of his suggestions is to use the law of averages and examine what the odds of the things we worry about happening at all.

          He added: do you remember what you were worrying about a year ago? How did it turn out? Chances are you worried for nothing about things that never happened. Don’t cross your bridges until you come to them is Carnegie’s advice.

           I believe that one sure way to drive worry away is to keep busy. It occupies the mind with concrete positive thoughts that do not allow us to think of frightening things that most surely will never happen.

           Dwight Eisenhower had the right idea when he said: Worry is a word that I don’t allow myself to use.

About Wisdom

One of the benefits of growing older is that we acquire wisdom. By the time we become boomers, we have experienced ups and downs along the way and have learned to accept the many variables that make up life. While we may be tempted to dwell on the negatives in our lives it is a time to enjoy the great gift that is life.

            Not dramatizing whatever happens to us might well be the secret to feeling contented while we add on years. As we age, our bodies change; it’s something that we simply must accept. Those who can do it with humor are most fortunate. Loretta LaRoche, the stress expert who gives talks that offer a new perspective on the difficult parts of life, is a strong believer in not sweating the stuff we can’t change. As she puts it: “I’m now in my furniture age; my chest is in my drawers.”

            When we reach a certain age, we have earned certain rights and we can get away with many eccentricities. I believe that when we are not satisfied with the service we get somewhere, we can raise our voices to get the attention, if not the respect, we deserve. And if you want to get even with your children for not visiting often enough, you’re free to buy a mansion, mortgage it to the hilt and make sure they know it will be their legacy!

            A while back I read about a 94-year-old lady who was charged with selling illegal drugs. Certainly the first time in history that a drug pusher needed a walker! Although she was on the wrong side of the law, you’ve got to admire her view that age is not a barrier to action.

            Now that spring is in full swing, it’s the perfect time to assess if we make enough of an effort to make the most of life. Once we make a healthy lifestyle a priority in our lives, we need to take time to smell the roses rather than waste time worrying. You realize, of course, what that means—we’ll live long and prosper. My brother sees that as a problem: “What’s going to happen in the future when all these healthy people begin dying of nothing?” Food for thought.

            One last thing to consider. If furniture and cars become valuable antiques with time, why can’t it be the same with people? You know the rule of antiques: signs of usage and wear increase the value of the item. I must be worth a pretty penny by now!

Spring into Hope

Have you ever noticed that Easter is the quintessential marker of spring no matter what the weatherman has in store? White banks might still be lining rural roads and light white flakes might still be falling here and there, but we don’t care. What’s important is the significance of the yearly marker which heralds the incredible gift of spring.

            Life is full of gifts and possibilities that we may fail to appreciate at times. We appreciate the arrival of spring because it is renewal and hope after a long winter. It’s a time when we all have a glass-half-full view. We become more optimistic and more cheerful because nature has decided to be kinder.

             But what about all the other good things in our lives? Do we cultivate a glass-half-full vision all year or do we tend toward the glass-half-empty view?

             A woman I know, who was forced to retire a few years short of the normal retirement age, has been spending her time complaining. The reasons vary over time, of course. Sometimes it’s her former employer, other times it’s the noisy neighbors in her condo building or the sad state of morality today. In short, the types of things most of us have deplored at some point or another, however in her case it has become a mission that aggravates.

             But life sometimes helps us along. Some months ago when someone close to that complaining woman became seriously ill, she stepped in. She nursed another human being back to health while spending much less time complaining. Her outlook changed to one of glass-half-full because she witnessed the potentially powerful force of the human spirit.

             We are all given marvelous opportunities no matter the season. May these be plentiful for all of us in this season when spirits soar and hope propels us forward.