Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Sandwich Generation

Just as you’re getting into a nice groove in your 50s and 60s, enjoying your empty-nester status, life has a way of letting you know your responsibilities are not over just yet. Your parents are approaching a time of life when they face challenges they may not be able to handle without help. You may need to provide support that may range from weekly visits to help with shopping and medical appointments to daily interaction to insure basic care and safety.

            Providing basic tasks for a parent may be simple enough, but we must not forget that this is an emotionally taxing time. Seeing parents lose their independence is never easy, no matter your age. Everyone wants their parents to remain the way they always were: healthy and in charge because if they are no longer in charge, we the children, move on to the front lines. It’s one of life’s most difficult time and one when your own personal plans may have to be altered to accommodate the new reality.

            At the same time, as boomers you may also have to be there for your children. Some adult children come back home after finishing their schooling or when faced with a failed relationship so they can get their bearings. They may end up staying awhile. This puts a kink in the empty-nest routine. Boomers also have to be there to help with the grandchildren in a variety of ways.

            Faced with new responsibilities for the older and the younger generation, boomers must adopt, at least for a while, a new lifestyle of service. Most people are happy to help their parents and their children, but it does take its toll. It can be frustrating and lead to depression or even excessive medication. It can also be a dangerous time when the marriage is less than perfect.

            So how can you serve yourself while you serve others? It’s all a question of perspective. If you get sick trying to do too much, you will be of no use to anyone, so plan wisely. Rare are those who don’t have someone in their lives to help fulfill their responsibility to their parents. Siblings should share in helping aging parents. When each one takes responsibility for one aspect of care, the task does not appear overwhelming. For those who don’t have siblings or if they live far away, there are options. For example, neighbors and friends would be pleased to be of service to help provide support for your parents by accompanying them to doctor’s appointments or helping them do some shopping if asked.           

            And you do have to ask. You can’t just wish that people around you will offer to help. Sit down and make a plan that makes sense for you and your spouse, and then go to other people to complete the picture. You can hire someone to do some tasks for your parent, or even seek help from your local volunteer bureau.

            We can’t say no to our aging parents, but we can say no to our children when their demands on our time and our lives are becoming overwhelming. It’s only a question of communicating frankly. For example, you may enjoy babysitting your grandchildren, but when your children expect you to change your plans to accommodate theirs, or abuse your kindness, it may be time to say no once in a while. Explain your reasons clearly and try not to feel guilty.

            I say try because the first time, that no may turn you upside down inside. What have I done? How can I do this to my own child? As boomers, the idea of thinking of yourselves first for a change may play havoc with your psyche. But don’t worry, like everything else, learning to say no becomes easier with practice.