Some Puns to Lighten Dark Times

(Hopefully!) 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.He says he can stop any time.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type 0.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

There was a cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I treid to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations were stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velco -- what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Technology’s  Wonder

I don’t know about you, but I’m always impressed when I read about new technological possibilities. And when you think about it, the advances we have seen in the last decades are not only amazing but coming along so rapidly they are dizzying.

            Technology keeps on keeping on. New advances now making full use of the brain are the wonder of our age as they help the disabled. Case in point, the theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, who suffered from ALS for decades, was able to continue his work despite his ever-increasing physical limitations. At one point, keyboards were adapted to obey his voice commands, but eventually Hawking wrote using his brain. A chip in his eyeglasses made it possible for him to pick up radio waves from his mind and transfer them to his laptop so he could type mentally. Amazing or what?

            And other disabled people who have a chip inserted in the brain and then connected to a laptop are able to mentally operate a wheelchair and household appliances, surf the net, write e-mails, even if they are totally paralyzed. The implanted chip is a sort of brain pacemaker about the size of a dime. What a welcome advance for so many paraplegics.

            And for us who are no longer as young as we used to be and who may fear dementia in the future, technology may have a welcome solution. Researchers are working on the possibility of inserting a chip/pacemaker in the brain of people with memory problems that would upload memory. That technology is mind-boggling to say the least, and when you consider the number of seniors who suffer from dementia, it would amazingly redefine the golden years for an awful lot of people.  

            And who knows what other advance we’ll see in the next few years.

Hoorah for our technological age!

           

 

Battle of the Sexes

The Old Testament is being challenged. The account of the creation is not accurate according to some people. It seems that after God had created the first man, He looked at the result, shook His head and said: Not bad, but I can do better then went on to create the first woman!

          While religious scholars may not be ready to accept that this version of events could replace the one in the Book of Genesis, we women of a certain age know it to be true!! It was simply not accepted by men over the centuries.

Things have certainly improved for women, but they are still treated as second class citizens by men today in many cultures. And it remains difficult to change attitudes. In North America today many older men live by the concept that they are somehow superior to women, that they are worth more. Ask any widowed or divorced female boomer dating men of a certain age, and they will complain that single older men are basically looking for someone to prepare their food and wash their underwear and socks. That’s not surprising given history. When I was working in a large corporation, I once had to attend a meeting where I was the only female. Before we sat down I heard a male colleague comment to another man: Do we really need a woman here? My thought: Yeah, you do. How else are your decisions going to be sensible ones?

And take the case of China where couples could only have one child. As most of them wanted boys—why?--there are accounts of female fetuses being aborted so couples could try to have boys. The result is that today males outweigh females which makes me wonder what will happen next. Will finding a wife involve dueling other males who get in the way?

Equality of the sexes is still far from won.

 

 

All About Age

Recent statistics indicate that the number of people reaching 100 is ever increasing. What used to be a rare milestone is now not quite as exceptional. That indicates to me that we all have the capacity to live a century or more. Advances in medical treatments and care are certainly important components of this phenomenon, but there are other factors certainly.

The older I get, the more I see that a positive attitude seems to pay unmistakable dividends. A relative who was getting close to 102 commented that she never looked back. In her view, what’s past is past. No point thinking about it or wonder what could have been different, she said. She concentrated on making the best of today. Wise words. As Irving Berlin is reported to have said, “Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it.”

Of course, each stage along the road of life has its own challenges, but they don’t need to be taken too seriously. George Burns had the right idea when he said, “When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.” He always looked at age at something to be laughed at rather than a source of angst. Of course, if one’s age is cause of concern, the secret might be to simply disregard birthdays. Or lie about them as a friend has done much of her adult life. Now, at times, she truly forgets how old she really is. All I know is that she has been celebrating her 55^th birthday for a number of years now!

For my part, I became keenly aware recently that we’re all in the same boat. When I saw a picture of an old colleague on the internet I was surprised to see that his black hair was now nearly white! It reminded me of a remark from the youngster who asked his grandmother why only grandfathers have grey hair, not grandmothers. The answer is simple. Grandfathers are simply not as friendly with color in a bottle!

 

 

 

The New Normal

Over the last few months our lives have been disrupted and put on hold, but we are now slowly adapting to the new normal which is a lot different from the normal we used to take for granted.

            As they go back to school, children are facing a very real new normal where their interactions with other kids and teachers are now quite different from what they were before. Will there be negative emotional effects because of the new school reality due to the demands of the current epidemic age? Like many people, I believe that it can’t be otherwise. At this time our young grandchildren need to be reassured that they are loved and that the world will emerge from this health crisis stronger than before, just like they will.

            I don’t know about you, but I always keep my keys on a table next to my front door. Next to it is a list of things I need to get or do next time I step out. I add to it as needed.. Now, of course, for the last months my mask is also on the table to make sure I don’t leave without it. Like everyone else a face mask is now part of my routine and I’ve gotten used to it.  There is no other choice if we are to have any hope of conquering the virus once and for all.

            It amazes me how creative people can be when it comes to masks. I mean the variety that people wear. A great many people wear the classic surgical type, others wear only black masks or white ones, but not everybody. Yesterday, as I was walking along I saw a man wearing a skin-coloured mask featuring a bright smile. It made me take a second look and smile. Then of course you see the masks of animal lovers featuring a dog or a cat. And the array of designs of the material used for masks is amazing. Last week I saw a woman wearing a mask with a touch of lace. I suppose she needed to feel feminine as she made her way through the new normal. There are even masks with some glitter.

            My mask is simple. It’s white with a bright rainbow to signal that hope is not lost, and that this too shall pass.

Going Forward

As I said last week, there is no reason life cannot begin to go forward despite the virus if we manage the dangers. After essentially spending a lot of my time in quarantine since the start of the pandemic, my hair was in dire need of professional TLC so I called my regular hair salon. My favorite hairdresser was happy to hear from me and I made an appointment after being assured that all the necessary measures to disinfect everything in the place were being taken. I and all the other clients would be protected from covid.

            I was wearing my mask and used a hand sanitizer upon entering as I do everywhere I go these days. My hairdresser was also wearing a mask and provided me with a light clear plastic cape instead of the heavier type we have all experienced at salons or barbers. This, she explained, is another precaution for keeping clients safe because these light capes are used only once then discarded.

            As she got busy cutting and styling my hair, she recounted the hardship of being out of work for a few months. But, she added, things are slowly going forward as more and more people are again calling because they need help with their hair.

            About time, I say. I was pretty tired of seeing the hair of the guys on television getting longer and longer. Now they again look like they used to look before the virus. It’s comforting to see that things are somewhat normalizing after a rather significant bump in the road of life.

            We are going forward but not necessarily as before. My hairdresser confided that two of her regular clients caught the virus and did not survive. While she found it rather distressing she said that all those who have remained safe, like she has, should be very grateful to have been spared.

            Amen to that.  

ALTERED LIVES  

The pandemic has certainly altered our lives, has it not? Now when we leave the house, we have to make sure we are taking our facial masks along and that we keep our distance from the people we see. It’s a must if we are to stay safe and conquer the virus once and for all. If you’re like me, you dream of the day you can finally socialize the way we all did before the enemy invaded our lives.

I think that we are all weary of the restraints the virus has put on our social lives. I know I am. While not so long ago I often visited my grandchildren and joyfully embraced them, now a few months into the pandemic we are all aware of the possible danger lurking in closeness. So family socializing is in the backyard or remote via video. Not too gratifying when you’d prefer hugging those you love.

But I console myself that we are fortunate to have communication devices that make it possible to see the faces of family members and friends far away, something that was not available in what seems just a few years ago.

Yet, despite the virus, life is still going on. Case in point, a couple of weeks ago I lost a filling, something that had to be attended to without delay. So I called my dentist who was still only seeing patients for emergency work. I was a little apprehensive since dental work is ultimately very close and personal.

Fortunately he made sure he protected himself and me by wearing a face shield over a mask in addition with gloves. He assured me that everything I would touch had been properly disinfected.  After washing my hands, I had to gargle with a special formula and the work went ahead. While I don’t especially cherish going to the dentist, I was happy that my tooth was quickly repaired and I left grateful for all the precautions that kept me safe.

            Where there’s a will, there’s a way as the adage says. There is no reason life cannot proceed despite the virus if we manage any possible danger.