Our Children’s Lives

We all want our children to be happy, but at times the only way this is going to happen, or so we believe, is if we butt in. We seek perfection in our children on our own terms, expecting our children to be extensions of ourselves, so we panic if they don’t take the road we feel they should take. We’re older and wiser and we are certain that we know better than our children.

          We may have raised our children, but they are different from us and they follow their own instincts, their own road, just as we did. The trick for us older souls is to accept that fact. While the perfect mother-in-law may be the one who keeps her opinions to herself, in my view this also applies to moms and dads, although they may not always succeed.                                            

The urge to tell our children where they’re wrong can be the strongest when a child introduces his/her new mate/fiancé/lover. We may have an immediate negative feeling toward that person and may conclude that our child is headed for trouble if the relationship continues.

While we may very well be right, we must not forget that telling an adult child how we really feel could prevent him/her from keeping their eyes open for signs of trouble. Even if we think we do, we do not know the new person as well as our child does. At the end of the day, our children have to make their own mistakes, just as we did. That’s how everyone learns and grows.

That doesn’t mean that we cannot express some concerns when we feel a child’s choice of mate will not survive the test of time. The secret is to know how to broach the subject. Questions can make the adult child reflect. For example: is Joe/Mary always this talkative? this shy? this conservative? this liberal? are certainly non-threatening questions that can open a dialogue. But even if the child’s choice is terribly wrong, the last word is the child’s. For better or for worse.

As parents all we can do is have as close a relationship with our adult children as possible, guide gently, offer advice when asked, and, just as we did when they were younger, be there to tell them everything will be fine. In time.